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 Post Posted: Sat Dec 18, 2010 6:17 am 
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Ok, that is my first fanfiction and I'm not native english speaker, so go easy on me using articles and tenses, 'mkay? :oops: For those corrections, please post the full page with just red and blue thingies, so I can copy and paste full corrected version instead of correcting sentence by sentence...

Now, what I'm interested in is comments on my style and story. Is it in the spirit of Erfworld? Are character's relatively life-like and likeable? and so on :geek: .

Some more notes, that might not be mentioned in original story:

I have presumed that scroll production is not a free action. In fact, I have gone from that relatively canonic position to full blown fanonic lunacy. So, here's what you need to know about it.

Scroll production: needs parchment and gem the same colour as the scroll, as well as the caster with ability to cast magic of the scroll type. Needs enormous amount of juice (in story example: 9000 castings compared to 150 scrolls produced, or 1 scroll = juice used for 60 spells cast) and has other limitations.

Parchment is produced in different parts of the city and is normally gathered by henchmen and taken to the central room of the casting tower, as well as gems, either made from Schmuckers by Moneymancer or mined/taken raw. They pop naturally in other parts of the city if Warlord orders that schmuckers for the next turn pop in gem form (orders at the end of this turn, that is). Colour of gems popped is random.

Casting tower has six rooms + big hall. Once scroll is created in the room, the same room cannot be used for scroll creation until the next turn, because of juice oversaturation of the room.So, caster takes certain amount of parchment and one gem from the hall, goes to one of the rooms, creates scroll, and repeats the process
from room to room until he is out of juice, parchment or gems. Certain scrolls cannot be created by a single caster because of their high juice cost (dittomancy, croakamancy and some others) and can be made by linked casters only. The aforementioned way of creating scrolls is regular way, when caster is not linked. It is a long and tedious process. But... when caster is linked with Findamancer, there's no need for tower rooms or gathering of gems and parchment. Findamancer finds piece of parchment anywhere in the city and closest pink gem to it (also anywhere in the city), then Healamancer creates the scroll in the point between the gem and parchment. At the end of turn( or the middle, or just after scroll creation), henchmen pick the scrolls from all over the city and take them either to dungeon or to the treasury. If there were Thinkamancer instead of Findamancer, it would allow faster tower rooms reusage (depending of the link, sometimes also faster healing of units within Healamancers range). Turnamancer cuts the turns somewhat, and Changeamancer allows usage of any gems or parchment equivalents. So, that's that.


As for other name annotations: Nyx is name of Greek goddess of the night, and Lux was Roman god/representation of light. Merry is allusion to Merry Poppins, as will become clear in the next update. Sizemore the Brown is shout out to both Gandalf the Grey of LOTR fame, and shout out to Terry Pratchet's shout out of character named Mustrum Ridcully a.k.a Ridcully the Brown of Discworld fame.

So... your turn, critique givers. Tear my fanfiction to pieces... but politely.

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     Post Posted: Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:31 pm 
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    Since praises helps writing and I'd like to read some more, here's some of it: I like it, and your last update created a good atmosphere of doom. That's always a goodstart. :)

    For some criticism: Your first updates works very good as a character study. I actually thought it was a stand-alone. It was a little number heavy, they distract a bit from what the characters say. Character interaction like that works on emotional response, doing math speaks to the reader's rational. I think you should have delayed the exact figures to the second text, there we need to think about the conflict and the numbers support that. But that's a minor thing, and just a personal opinion. Actually I don't know much about literature.

    Keep uon writing, and let us not wait too long till the next one :)

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     Post Posted: Sat Jan 29, 2011 4:56 am 
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    Welf von Ehrwald wrote:
    Since praises helps writing and I'd like to read some more, here's some of it: I like it, and your last update created a good atmosphere of doom. That's always a goodstart. :)

    For some criticism: Your first updates works very good as a character study. I actually thought it was a stand-alone. It was a little number heavy, they distract a bit from what the characters say. Character interaction like that works on emotional response, doing math speaks to the reader's rational. I think you should have delayed the exact figures to the second text, there we need to think about the conflict and the numbers support that. But that's a minor thing, and just a personal opinion. Actually I don't know much about literature.

    Keep on writing, and let us not wait too long till the next one :)


    Thanks a lot. I've felt that numbers are important, because it is Erfworld and numbers are important for characters. Stack bonuses, brute numbers, leadership, caster bonuses... it all adds up and I've felt that they would be given a lot of thought in doomed kingdom. :) Anyway, a new update is up.

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     Post Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 10:16 am 
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    Posted by Rolan7, moved to "comments" thread:

    Not bad at all! I liked the romance between the casters, it's realistic (there's tension between them as they argue, but their love is greater than it). You missed the word "the" several times, so your grammar isn't perfect, but it's not hard to ignore. By the time you started describing the link-up I was hooked.

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     Post Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2013 5:25 am 
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    Ok, here's the allusions, winks and nods in my last couple of updates. Archer names are allusions to famous tenis players. John was both a hint to John McInroe and Little John, of Robin Hood. And there's of course transformers reference: Autobots, transform and roll out! Have fun reading and hope you like my next update.

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     Post Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2014 12:22 pm 
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    New one is up. And, it is not finished yet. Expect edits :D

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     Post Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2014 2:50 pm 
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    Good stuff; it's vivid and has lots of action and explanation. The names are good and these are the kind of sides and kingdoms we expect. Healomancy as a main export is a nice audacious idea; makes me wonder if there's a sort of neutral Switzerland anywhere majoring in diplomacy and safe meetings?

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     Post Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2014 3:28 pm 
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    donovan_s_ brain wrote:
    Good stuff; it's vivid and has lots of action and explanation. The names are good and these are the kind of sides and kingdoms we expect. Healomancy as a main export is a nice audacious idea; makes me wonder if there's a sort of neutral Switzerland anywhere majoring in diplomacy and safe meetings?


    Thanks for the praise. I'll try to make it even better ;)

    Well, if you think about it in a certain way, there already is such a Side and it is described in canon. And that Side is Charlescom. According to what the archons told Parson, the most of Charlie's income comes from telecommunication or "thinkagram fees". So, if you want to negotiate with your sworn enemy and you don't want to risk your skin in face-to-face contact (and don't have a thinkamancer), you ask Charlie for a phone call. And he has a very good reputation when it comes to contracts too. And spotless reputation in Magic Kingdom. Now, consider that most sides don't know how big the world is and that they don't know Charlie's business rules... Yeah, I'll say that Charlie comes both as trusted mercenary and a neutral 3rd party/trusted negotiator for both sides in conflict.

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     Post Posted: Tue Oct 21, 2014 9:01 pm 
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    I am somewhat confused. Healaid fell? Even though they all seemed so bullish on their chances of survival?

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     Post Posted: Wed Oct 22, 2014 11:56 am 
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    I can't really see Charlescomm as a neutral side. He eats people for breakfast and his deals are all for his benefit. He's a knife with no handle.
    I wonder though: is there a way to enforce trust in Erfworld? Swear on the Titans to be true?

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     Post Posted: Sat Oct 25, 2014 11:20 am 
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    donovan_s_ brain wrote:
    I can't really see Charlescomm as a neutral side. He eats people for breakfast and his deals are all for his benefit. He's a knife with no handle.
    I wonder though: is there a way to enforce trust in Erfworld? Swear on the Titans to be true?


    Charlie's contracts are magically binding. So are contracts signed by any other side. There was something called "pinky swear" in book 0, when Jill is coming back home she saw enemy side in Faq territory and has pinky sworn that she is just a mercenary, passing through on the way to the job. I agree that we know that Charlie is not neutral side but I also think that it is not known far and wide in Erfworld.

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     Post Posted: Sat Oct 25, 2014 11:48 am 
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    Shadow wrote:
    I am somewhat confused. Healaid fell? Even though they all seemed so bullish on their chances of survival?


    Aye. The Capital Aspirin has fallen, the king is dead, long live the new king! Yet, there are hints that the Side has survived. If you read it all again, you'll notice there are no healing units mentioned anywhere in the whole town (odd, for a side exporting them, don't you think?). No heavies, no fliers, no stabbers, no cavalry... Just pikers and archers, trimancer link and some golems and courtiers(which are non-fighting units).

    There are thoughts of King Galen of the time when he was a prince and they have provided a fleeing heir with a royal escort. They always needed allies and friends and what if they have given him more than escort, after a short conversation? To quote Wylla Manderly, from A Dance with Dragons, by GRRM:
    Quote:
    “I know about the promise,” insisted the girl. “Maester Theomore, tell them! A thousand years before the Conquest, a promise was made, and oaths were sworn in the Wolf’s Den before the old gods and the new. When we were sore beset and friendless, hounded from our homes and in peril of our lives, the wolves took us in and nourished us and protected us against our enemies...”


    Maybe, the time has come to repay some old debts? :twisted:

    There's also a talk about master level Luckamancer. And Luckamancers are best used when paired with Predictamaners, everyone knows that. What are the odds of captain of the prison guard slipping and, for all intents and purposes, croaking himself on a sharp rock?

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     Post Posted: Mon Jan 05, 2015 4:45 pm 
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    The new one is up. :lol: .

    Here are the hints:
    Lumen-ix - Lucas, Merry and Nyx. Lumen is unit of illumination, of course.
    Green lanterns- do I need to say more? ;)
    DnI- darkness and ice. Sounds a bit like DNA, huh?
    Eva, Annie and Elsa- yeah, these should look familiar to you.
    "Light our darkest hour."- another transformers reference.
    Healaid remembers. - A song of ice and fire reference. ADWD to be precise.
    Furians- The Chronicles of Riddick, main character is Furian.

    Songs:
    Blind Guardian - Into the storm
    Hammerfall - Hearts on fire.
    Frozen soundtrack - Let it go.
    Canada's anthem.

    There might be some more. Enjoy.

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    Last edited by youngstormlord on Sun Mar 22, 2015 12:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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     Post Posted: Sat Jan 17, 2015 12:40 pm 
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    Hey, awesome stuff! The entire nomenclature ties up beautifully! Was an entirely enjoyable read! Is it done or is more to come in this story? The characters were brilliant too. And in only these many posts, you managed to give an entire war, backstory, characters.. Excellent work!

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     Post Posted: Tue Feb 17, 2015 6:17 am 
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    threezero98 wrote:
    Hey, awesome stuff! The entire nomenclature ties up beautifully! Was an entirely enjoyable read! Is it done or is more to come in this story? The characters were brilliant too. And in only these many posts, you managed to give an entire war, backstory, characters.. Excellent work!


    Thanks for the praise. No, it is not over yet. Soon, it will be finished, just two more posts and done.

    Edit: One more update and the story is done, for the new one is up!

    Hints and wink-winks:

    McMander royal family - Something between Manderlys and MacLeods.
    Elah Raia - Hint to El-Ahrairah, prince with a thousand enemies of Watership Down.
    Where have all the flowers gone - Famous anti-war song.
    We will, we will CROAK you! - Let's just say "Queen" :D

    Iron Hill, where the shadows rest - hmmm, where have I heard about that... Tolkien's Mordor maybe? Anyway, Blind Guardian Time Stands Still is one of the inspirations.

    Cable Patch- Cabbage Patch dolls, a fitting name of a caster for the "Watership Down side"
    Strawmen - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straw_man

    There's a saying:"An ox is captured by the horns, a person is bound by his word."

    Forces of Steel - Unchained by Hammerfall http://www.lyricsfreak.com/h/hammerfall/unchained_20064036.html

    Megann- google M'gann M'orzz for reference. This Megann's green skin is because of Charlie experimenting on her. He was trying to boost her thinkamancy.
    Akali - Nurse Akali is one of the skins in League of Legends.

    Btw, for those wondering, Surgeon Amputate's popped name is Shrek Cake. There exists IRL doctor in my town whose name is Andrija Šrek (to Americanize it, Andrew Shrek) and he is pediatrician. I saw his name on the door in the hospital and just had to check who goes by name Shrek in real life :lol: . He was partial inspiration for the unit. It's a pun on two levels: "Fiona and Shrek" and "Fiona and Cake".

    There might be some more...

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     Post Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2015 9:51 am 
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    The new one is up!

    Hints and inspirations:

    a) For the summoning/findamancy, "Come home" spell:

    "This little light of mine,
    I'm gonna let it shine,
    let it shine,
    let it shine." - Grim Fandango,
    "This little light of mine" to hear it like I heard it in my imagination. :)

    "Nothing on Erf lasts forever.."- Hammerfall, Glory to the brave- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9k_HUq1Kd4 (it starts at 1:35)

    The music King Archie plays before saying "Come home..." - instrumentals from "Over the hills and far away" by Nightwish. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8gXzDLNWl8 . One of them starts at 2:16 mark.

    "Scooby dooby do!" A famous cartoon detective dog. Cartoon's original theme song starts with:

    "Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you?
    We got some work to do now
    Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you?
    We need some help from you now
    Come on Scooby Doo..."
    which I thought would be a good opening for first word of findamancy spell. http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/thirdeye ... reyou.html

    "Lessie" - a reference to a hero of the movie "Lassie Come Home (1943)"

    "Sassy, chance and shadow" - a reference to heroes of the movie "Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey", which are a cat and two dogs that are trying to, you guessed it, return home to their owners. Also, Chance, because Surgeon Amputate is luckamancer and Shadow, because he became darker shadow of himself after croaking of Fiona, who was definitely sassy :D.

    "Snoopy." - a reference to the movie "Snoopy Come Home".

    "Lantern, gleam and glow,
    Let your power shine,
    Make the clock reverse... etc" - a whole-cloth reference to the healing incantation of the movie "Tangled"

    "Out of the darkness you stumble into the light,
    Fighting for the things you know are right!" - a song "Dare!" by Stan Bush, first showing up in Transformers cartoon. Give it a listen 8-) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGrKfQ9Ss7w

    "Lanre." - A reference to Kingkiller Chronicles by Patrick Rothfuss. You can read the exact referenced passage here: http://acaele.tumblr.com/post/252630930 ... ood-amid-a


    b) Other things

    "You called, my king?" - Lurch of Addams Family.

    *Glingle glingle* - Jingle all the way song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vGEqb8pEiE
    And somewhat far reference to The bells of Christmas: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3cwV3gg9p5c

    And also, Terry Pratchett's Hogfather: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/D ... /Hogfather

    Aemon Daemons- a reference to Maester Aemon of A Song of Ice and Fire. Also a hint that Healaid is not a good, elf-allied side but something similar to Gobwin Knob.

    Sproutella, florist's piss- Sproutella is another Grim Fandango reference. There's also wildfire, the pyromancers' piss in ASOIAF.

    Shirlock, Hercules, Marple, Magnum- Famous detectives all: Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot, Miss Marple and Magnum PI.

    There might be some that I missed :D

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     Post Posted: Sat May 20, 2017 3:36 pm 
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    New one is up. :D

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    Last bumped by youngstormlord on Sat May 20, 2017 3:36 pm.
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